Archive | January 2012

Time To Float On My Own Happiness!

Yesterday my daughter called with some incredibly good news! A very important situation in her life had worked out just exactly as she’d hoped it would! I found myself floating for the rest of the day on her happiness. It is truly remarkable to me how my children’s happiness becomes my happiness.

However, I also realized that I wanted to be floating on my own happiness. It seems like such a long time since I have done that! This is mostly because I have not had goals, desires, or great wants for myself – other than the happiness of my children.

Yesterday I heard once again the voice inside my head, which repeats its message at such times as these…..“Get A Life!” I’ve always told my kids that deciding what you want is the hardest part of getting what you want. With a clear knowing of the “WHAT” the Universe can get behind you and deliver. Until then, it’s way too confusing for the Universe to know. Just watch your own thoughts when confusion reigns……how could the Universe possibly figure out what to deliver?

Today I’ve been asking myself “what would make me happy?” The answer feels disjointed and unclear, as all I really want is to BE HAPPY! See….confusing isn’t it? So it’s time to get some clarity! This isn’t quite as simple as making a list just yet.

Certainly there are some very practical things that could happen which would improve my current living situation, such as finding a job. Several months ago I moved to the South Coast of New South Wales, from Sydney, to be closer to my Mother and Sister. I hoped to get work here, then my own place, and stick around for awhile.

This plan has not gone as I’d hoped at all. At first it was all OK as I had intended to take some time off to get some perspective on what I now wanted from my life. I had Faith that the work would show up when I needed it. It hasn’t!

There are several reasons for this I believe. Most importantly, I have not been clear about what I wanted from my stay here. Now I do want a job so I can stay….. now I don’t! Back and forth, up and down. I have been incredibly unclear.

No way for the Universe to know what to deliver! It has tried! But my inability to commit to a plan, and my fear that I will get what I want, only to discover it’s not what I want, has most certainly interferred with my success.

But I am making progress. I have moved from not being able to feel my future at all, to knowing precisely how I’d like my life to feel. Though there is much that I still don’t know, there are some tangibles that I do know.

I know I don’t want to be alone in my life. It’s years since I’ve been in an intimate relationship, and I now know I do want that. I also know I’d like to travel. There are places in the world I’d love to see….like Greece!

I’ve been so focused on choosing between the US and Australia for so long, I’d quite forgotten there was a whole world out there for me to explore.

And I’d like to have friends. It’s also been years since I had a close friend. This is a little embarrassing, but I somehow lost the ability to reach out to people, and I have become isolated. Isolation deprives the Spirit of much needed nourishment!

I know I want to live in the sunshine, by the ocean, in an environment which allows for the possibility of meeting others of like-mind. I know I’m ready to put down roots and stay for awhile, and I’m ready to find the right place to do that.

Somehow, with each new piece of clarity I gain, the whole will come together and form the bigger picture of my future. In this I Trust. My work, for now, is to stay focused on what I do know I want, and not get lost in the what I don’t know.

I know that if I can continue to gain clarity; believe in the POSSIBILITIES; and truly connect to how I want my life to FEEL, the Universe will be able to get behind me. How can it not?

Having said all this, I begin to see that I know more about what I want than I realized as I began to write today. I begin to see how close I already am to that moment in time when I’ll be Floating On My Own Happiness.

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Finding Home

I have moved around a lot in my life. My family moved on a regular basis during my growing up years, and that pattern has continued for me into my adult life. Sometimes I think it’s become impossible for me to put down roots.

The closest I’ve ever come was 22 years in the same small town in Florida, USA. Even there I changed abodes regularly, although I did manage to stay put for 4 years, in a townhouse I’d bought a block from the beach. That’s the longest I have lived in the same building in all my 58 years!!

Often I have a strong desire to just settle, but have always felt torn about where I want to be when I do. Twice now I have said “I will leave this house feet first, and no other way”, only to move yet again!

In the past 10 years I’ve been a bit of a tumble weed. After completing Cancer Treatment 10 years ago, I moved to Tallahassee, Florida, to be closer to my kids while I got back on my feet. Getting back on my feet proved to be far more difficult than I had imagined.

After 2 years in Tallahassee I moved to LA. My daughter was heading out there and I was going to help her move and return to Florida. But what was there for me in Florida? I decided, NOTHING! So I headed West to LA.

During the following 7 years I found it impossible to settle, moving apartments every year when the lease ran out. Still unable to put down roots, I thought if I returned Home to Australia, and my family here, I would find the peaceful place I’d been searching for. Yet still I have found no peace.

I saw the Dalai Lama on television the other night and he said something to the effect of, “wherever you are the happiest, is Home”. I asked myself these two questions: “Does that mean I’m looking for my Happiness?” And if so, “how do I find that?”

Prior to heading back to Australia in June of 2010, I had pretty much convinced myself that the answer to finding my Happiness lay in my returning Home to Australia. I thought I would, at the least, eliminate the question “Australia or the US?” That hasn’t exactly happened!

What has happened however, is that I have confirmed that where I am does not equate to my happiness. That, as any truly aware person knows, Happiness is an inside job. Of course I am aware of this Truth, even though it was incredibly easy to convince myself otherwise.

However, I have also become aware that environment is tremendously important to my wellbeing, and the answer lies in finding an environment which supports my personal growth in a positive way.

So I am being the “Observer”, and making notes on what I need in order to feel positively supported on my journey. I see that the easy access to Nature definitely supports my quest for a peaceful, balanced existence. To this end, I am walking along the River Path each morning, and connecting with the soothing effects of Nature.

It is also becoming more and more obvious that to be in the company of uplifting people, people who are aware of the need to focus on the “what you do have” instead of the “what you don’t have”, would serve me best when choosing the company I keep.

In this way, where I am is important! I suppose we’re just like all living things in this respect. A tree or plant, or animal for that matter, that has been created to live in a Tropical climate, won’t do well in the snowy mountains for instance.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I am seeking the right climate for my Happiness to grow in. I see that I grow best when I’m near the ocean; when a walk in Nature is close at hand; when the days are mostly sunny and mild; and where supportive groups of like-minded people can be found.

While I may not have found Home yet, the more clarity I gain around what Home would feel like, the closer I come to finding it. In the meanwhile, there is much to learn and enjoy from the journey, and the places I visit along the way.