Musing on The Power of Our Beliefs

I have heard of spontaneous healing, and I believe in it. I have heard of peoples’ lives changing miraculously overnight, and I believe in that possibility. I have heard that the root of our physical ailments is Spiritual in nature, and I believe that. And so I pray and meditate regularly; I work on my connection to Source (God); I live my life by the Golden Rule; and I focus on opening my heart and my Spirit in order to live a more conscious existence.  So why does it appear these things are not working in my life?

Before Jesus performed a miracle he would ask the recipient “Do you believe?”. The recipient’s ability to believe in the possibility of the miracle is essential to it’s success. So I ask myself  “Do you believe?” and I want to answer “Yes!” But recently I’ve had to wonder if there is some core part of me that does not believe; or is afraid to believe. Really believe! I have to acknowledge that my Faith is lacking. That somewhere, deep inside, I am afraid to fully believe. What if I’m wrong? What kind of idiot will I look like?

I have what I like to call “Bullshit Phases”, during which I just want to say bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, to it all. Yet I notice I continue to practice, pray, meditate, and desire to believe. Without my total conviction that amazing, miraculous events can happen in my life, they simply can’t. So, for right now, my prayer is for Source (God) to help me truly believe in my own beliefs. I ask to live in Trust and Faith and Acceptance, and to always remember that Source (God) IS, whether I’m believing it or not. To remember that a Divine Power guides my life and does not judge me, even when I’m in a “Bullshit Phase”.

Musings on a Day of Discovery

Once again today I forced myself out the door of my apartment not 100% sure quite where I was going. The journey for me right now is simply getting myself out, and not isolating. I started at Whole Foods for one of their extremely good lattes. While there I decided I would head over Topanga Canyon and then North through Malibu, as I have never really been that way. I didn’t quite make it all the way to Malibu Canyon as the traffic got a bit aweful, so I turned around.

I found a place where you can pull over and get out of your car and gaze at the ocean. There was actually a life guard on duty, though not much beach. He came over for a chat, and showed me a pathway that lead down to the rocks, and told me that at low tide there was a small beach there. I took the path down, slipping and sliding a bit, but made my way to a large rock where I set myself up. I had my Notebook along and did some writing while I was there. It was wonderful. There was no one there but me, perched on a rock, feeling the salty ocean spray on my feet. I rolled up my pants and waded for awhile. It was good to have my toes in the sand, and the waves washing over them. The ocean heals my Soul.

I had pulled over once, before I found this spot, where I could see the ocean and beach through a wire fence. I could see all the houses of those lucky people who wake up every morning to the beach as their backyard. It was always my dream to live right on the beach like that, and I realized today, that it still is. I absolutely MUST live by the ocean.

There’s a place on Topanga Canyon Road where I always see a lot of cars parked, and people walking, so on my way back I decided to find out what the attraction was. Here I discovered The Will Geer Theatricum Botanicum. It’s a marvelous wooded area with tables and chairs scattered in amongst several different garden areas. There is a theater that I imagine resembles the ones where Shakespeare’s plays were first performed. And they do put on Shakespearean plays here. I was able to watch a rehearsal through a peep hole in the wooden gate which was the entrance to the theater. Anyone can go with a picnic, or a book, and spend time there. You can rest assured I will be revisiting the Theatricum Botanicum, but next time I’ll be sure to have a picnic lunch along.

All in all it was a wonderful day, and I begin to feel my sense of self returning. More and more I realize how detrimental to my health isolation is, and how important it is, no matter how difficult it might feel, to do the push through and get out there.

Musings on Getting Out of the House

Today I am sitting on the grass, in the shade of a beautiful big tree, overlooking the Santa Monica Pier and the ocean. I didn’t really want to come here, but I have forced myself out of the house today, and now I am really glad I came. The atmosphere down here is very pleasant on this Sunday afternoon.

With my daughter in Peru, and my son in Florida, I find myself all alone in L.A.  Once I would have told you I didn’t mind being alone, but I am beginning to realize this is one of the biggest lies I tell myself.  Somewhere along the line I let friends slip away, and stopped dating, putting 100% of my focus and energy into what time I had left with my kids. They really do grow up too fast! So now, at a time in my life when I can do pretty much whatever I want, I’m facing doing it all alone. And I discover I don’t like it!

I tell myself there are all kinds of things I want to do, but when push comes to shove I don’t do any of them. Nothing seems to motivate me out of the house – except my children and spending time with them. I tell myself I need more, and I do, but I don’t know what. Someone asked me the other day what were the challenges of middle age? For me there have been many, but I think this is the biggest. I’ve forgotten how to make friends, and even if I remember, it’s not so easy in L.A.

So I’ve joined a couple of Groups on Meetup.com – an over 40 Group that dines out, goes dancing, takes walks, and just generally wants to have some fun, and a Group that travels, as I’d like to do that, but it’s no fun alone. It remains to be seen if I ever attend a function. Sometimes I’m not very good at the follow through. But I am out today, and it does feel good.

Musings On A New Journey Beginning

So, long story short, I was made aware of some serious health issues while in Breckenridge; fell and broke my wrist; landed in the hospital; learned there was much wrong with my poor, neglected, body. I returned to L.A. with my daughter to recover, and re-evaluate my life.

The doctors say I CANNOT SMOKE. I have been a faithful cigarette smoker for more than 40 years, and now I’m just supposed to put it down! You really wouldn’t think that would difficult, right? Well, only if you’ve never smoked, or never tried to stop smoking. There are those, I will acknowledge, that are perfectly capable of putting them down and never picking them up again. Sadly, I’m not one of those lucky ones.

I have used cigarettes for every purpose you can possibly imagine; when I’m happy; when I’m sad; when I’m stressed; when I’m relaxing; after a meal; before a meal; and the list goes on and on. Now the doctors tell me if “I smoke I die”, and I think about that, every time I light up.

The journey toward becoming a healthy, non-smoker, began almost 3 months ago. In that time I have tried cold turkey; a book that promises you’ll quit “The Easy Way”; hypnosis; and back to cold turkey. Nothing has worked. I have sought help on the internet and discovered there’s not a lot out there. I have had to recognize that I am an addict, as much as it grieves me. I have come to the conclusion that Nicotine is the most dangerous drug of all because, in our society, it is not yet given it’s due as the King of Drugs. It is still considered a nasty, bad, habit by most people. I am of the belief that it is much, much more than this. It is a dangerous drug that kills millions of people each year, disguising itself as a nasty bad habit.

Last week I attended my first Nicotine Anonymous meeting. I have been to 3 so far. I am still smoking and kicking myself hard when I do, but I am accepted there regardless. The Promise is that I will quit, if I keep coming to meetings, and I work the steps. So that’s my commitment for right now, as it seems to be all I can manage at the moment.

Musings – On New Year’s Eve 2009

It’s a beautiful night outside tonight. There’s a full moon shining, lighting up the snow-capped peaks that are usually invisible at night. The fireworks will begin in an hour, and I’ll wrap up in my cozy blanket and stand out on my porch to watch them. I can hear the raised, celebratory voices floating on the air from the Historic District in front of me and the hills behind me. I somehow feel a part of the celebration, just being a part of the sounds of it.

There’s a party going on across the street and I’ve been sitting, with a glass of nice wine in hand, watching people arrive; imagining the warmth of the fire and the friends. And I realize it’s what I want. It’s been a long time of me being shut down to the intimate relationships of friends – and that special man. Perhaps even having convinced myself that I’d gone past all that; after all, I’m middle-aged!

But it isn’t the case. I can feel how comforting it would be to see the New Year in surrounded by friends, and with that special man, who every once in a while, comes up to me and tells me he loves me. Are we ever too old for True Love? This New Year, I’m thinking not.

May we all find what we most want in the upcoming year. Happy New Year to All, and to All a Good night.

Musings on the Journey of Self-discovery

I am realizing that my journey has just begun. It began with the work I did before leaving L.A., and it didn’t end with arriving at my destination. When I first visualized moving to a small, peaceful, mountain town, I saw myself with my laptop (which I still need to purchase!) sitting in my garden, writing.

Somewhere between then and now I switched it to making  jewelry. Making jewelry isn’t something I ever longed to do before. Yes, I did touch on it, once, some years ago when I was lost for direction and still recovering from chemo and radiation, so perhaps it has its role to play. Perhaps it’s the stepping stone to where I really, deep in my own True Nature, want to go.

Perhaps going straight to the desire to write was too big a step to take initially. I feel the writing is not something I can force, but rather something that I will ultimately re-connect to. I have been blocked from it for many years, so it may take some time to once again allow the words to flow. It’s not possible to not feel and write. So, maybe, I’ve just blocked myself from feeling.

I’m not sure yet. One thing I am sure of is, that it won’t be possible for me to not look at myself, living alone in a small, peaceful, mountain town. And isn’t that why I came?

Musings on – Going with the Flow

For the next 3 days I am planning to just go with my flow. I recently moved to the Rockies in Colorado to do just this. But it’s not as easy as one may think! This morning I thought I would wake up all excited that I had made my excuses on the workfront and given myself the day to go-with-my-flow. However, after 40 odd years of have to’s, schedules, and deadlines, it’s not that easy.

If you’ve read my Bio then you know I’m in the midst of  a Mid-Life reorganization. Attempting to re-connect with my Spiritual roots; making every effort to remember who I was meant to be. As a child I wrote Poetry and was incredibly good at fantasy, but these were not recognized as valuable talents. I was labelled a “Dreamer”, which I understood to not be a good thing! One can’t get a “real job” as a Dreamer.

Yet let’s look back at History and ask ourselves if Christopher Columbus, Thomas Edison, Agatha Christie, or Gandhi were not Dreamers? Why is it we, as a Society, cannot recognize the incredible value of our “Dreamers”?

So, here I am, in Mid-Life, giving value to myself and my “Dreamer” qualities, hoping all the while this blocking of Creativity that we do will change. That we will someday, soon, recognize our Dreamers as the fore-runners of Positive change in our Society, and cheer them on.

Quote for the Day: Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony – Mahatma Gandhi