Time To Float On My Own Happiness!

Yesterday my daughter called with some incredibly good news! A very important situation in her life had worked out just exactly as she’d hoped it would! I found myself floating for the rest of the day on her happiness. It is truly remarkable to me how my children’s happiness becomes my happiness.

However, I also realized that I wanted to be floating on my own happiness. It seems like such a long time since I have done that! This is mostly because I have not had goals, desires, or great wants for myself – other than the happiness of my children.

Yesterday I heard once again the voice inside my head, which repeats its message at such times as these…..“Get A Life!” I’ve always told my kids that deciding what you want is the hardest part of getting what you want. With a clear knowing of the “WHAT” the Universe can get behind you and deliver. Until then, it’s way too confusing for the Universe to know. Just watch your own thoughts when confusion reigns……how could the Universe possibly figure out what to deliver?

Today I’ve been asking myself “what would make me happy?” The answer feels disjointed and unclear, as all I really want is to BE HAPPY! See….confusing isn’t it? So it’s time to get some clarity! This isn’t quite as simple as making a list just yet.

Certainly there are some very practical things that could happen which would improve my current living situation, such as finding a job. Several months ago I moved to the South Coast of New South Wales, from Sydney, to be closer to my Mother and Sister. I hoped to get work here, then my own place, and stick around for awhile.

This plan has not gone as I’d hoped at all. At first it was all OK as I had intended to take some time off to get some perspective on what I now wanted from my life. I had Faith that the work would show up when I needed it. It hasn’t!

There are several reasons for this I believe. Most importantly, I have not been clear about what I wanted from my stay here. Now I do want a job so I can stay….. now I don’t! Back and forth, up and down. I have been incredibly unclear.

No way for the Universe to know what to deliver! It has tried! But my inability to commit to a plan, and my fear that I will get what I want, only to discover it’s not what I want, has most certainly interferred with my success.

But I am making progress. I have moved from not being able to feel my future at all, to knowing precisely how I’d like my life to feel. Though there is much that I still don’t know, there are some tangibles that I do know.

I know I don’t want to be alone in my life. It’s years since I’ve been in an intimate relationship, and I now know I do want that. I also know I’d like to travel. There are places in the world I’d love to see….like Greece!

I’ve been so focused on choosing between the US and Australia for so long, I’d quite forgotten there was a whole world out there for me to explore.

And I’d like to have friends. It’s also been years since I had a close friend. This is a little embarrassing, but I somehow lost the ability to reach out to people, and I have become isolated. Isolation deprives the Spirit of much needed nourishment!

I know I want to live in the sunshine, by the ocean, in an environment which allows for the possibility of meeting others of like-mind. I know I’m ready to put down roots and stay for awhile, and I’m ready to find the right place to do that.

Somehow, with each new piece of clarity I gain, the whole will come together and form the bigger picture of my future. In this I Trust. My work, for now, is to stay focused on what I do know I want, and not get lost in the what I don’t know.

I know that if I can continue to gain clarity; believe in the POSSIBILITIES; and truly connect to how I want my life to FEEL, the Universe will be able to get behind me. How can it not?

Having said all this, I begin to see that I know more about what I want than I realized as I began to write today. I begin to see how close I already am to that moment in time when I’ll be Floating On My Own Happiness.

Finding Home

I have moved around a lot in my life. My family moved on a regular basis during my growing up years, and that pattern has continued for me into my adult life. Sometimes I think it’s become impossible for me to put down roots.

The closest I’ve ever come was 22 years in the same small town in Florida, USA. Even there I changed abodes regularly, although I did manage to stay put for 4 years, in a townhouse I’d bought a block from the beach. That’s the longest I have lived in the same building in all my 58 years!!

Often I have a strong desire to just settle, but have always felt torn about where I want to be when I do. Twice now I have said “I will leave this house feet first, and no other way”, only to move yet again!

In the past 10 years I’ve been a bit of a tumble weed. After completing Cancer Treatment 10 years ago, I moved to Tallahassee, Florida, to be closer to my kids while I got back on my feet. Getting back on my feet proved to be far more difficult than I had imagined.

After 2 years in Tallahassee I moved to LA. My daughter was heading out there and I was going to help her move and return to Florida. But what was there for me in Florida? I decided, NOTHING! So I headed West to LA.

During the following 7 years I found it impossible to settle, moving apartments every year when the lease ran out. Still unable to put down roots, I thought if I returned Home to Australia, and my family here, I would find the peaceful place I’d been searching for. Yet still I have found no peace.

I saw the Dalai Lama on television the other night and he said something to the effect of, “wherever you are the happiest, is Home”. I asked myself these two questions: “Does that mean I’m looking for my Happiness?” And if so, “how do I find that?”

Prior to heading back to Australia in June of 2010, I had pretty much convinced myself that the answer to finding my Happiness lay in my returning Home to Australia. I thought I would, at the least, eliminate the question “Australia or the US?” That hasn’t exactly happened!

What has happened however, is that I have confirmed that where I am does not equate to my happiness. That, as any truly aware person knows, Happiness is an inside job. Of course I am aware of this Truth, even though it was incredibly easy to convince myself otherwise.

However, I have also become aware that environment is tremendously important to my wellbeing, and the answer lies in finding an environment which supports my personal growth in a positive way.

So I am being the “Observer”, and making notes on what I need in order to feel positively supported on my journey. I see that the easy access to Nature definitely supports my quest for a peaceful, balanced existence. To this end, I am walking along the River Path each morning, and connecting with the soothing effects of Nature.

It is also becoming more and more obvious that to be in the company of uplifting people, people who are aware of the need to focus on the “what you do have” instead of the “what you don’t have”, would serve me best when choosing the company I keep.

In this way, where I am is important! I suppose we’re just like all living things in this respect. A tree or plant, or animal for that matter, that has been created to live in a Tropical climate, won’t do well in the snowy mountains for instance.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I am seeking the right climate for my Happiness to grow in. I see that I grow best when I’m near the ocean; when a walk in Nature is close at hand; when the days are mostly sunny and mild; and where supportive groups of like-minded people can be found.

While I may not have found Home yet, the more clarity I gain around what Home would feel like, the closer I come to finding it. In the meanwhile, there is much to learn and enjoy from the journey, and the places I visit along the way.

Leaving Things Too Late

I really have to start writing earlier. It seems I have all my best ideas before noon, and have forgotten them all by now. My problem is still “putting it off”; doing whatever I can except write. Am I boring you yet? I’m certainly boring myself!

Though I have found that if I say things over and over again, and don’t do the follow through, I eventually get so sick of listening to myself that I act. There’s several things of this nature in my life right now. A couple of which I’m making progress on.

The first is my daily walk. I’m moving into week two of walking first thing in the morning, Monday through Friday. I talked about doing it for such a long time that I was driving myself crazy listening to myself. So now I’m acting, and thoroughly enjoying beginning my day with a walk and a meditation by the river.

I suppose the writing is slowly joining the “doing” category of my life. This I’ve been talking about for years, on and off. Still not entirely sure what I want to write about. I love a good mystery and have thought about trying my hand at that. I love Agatha Christie mysteries, and would be proud to write like she did. I guess if I have a hero it would be her.

Anyway, the day is almost done and I’m very tired. I’ve been helping my daughter set up her website – Erin Lanahan Method  – and, while it’s been a lot of fun, I realize I’m still using it to avoid. Small steps I suppose.

Well, time to put my feet up for the night.

Thanks for listening

Sandra L

Tis The Season

I’ve just spent most of my time allotted to writing tonight looking for a Christmas Theme. Sadly, there’s not much available, but I must do something, so here it is🙂 I’ll continue the search for something better.

I love the Christmas Season, and usually put aside my cares and woes and fill up with the “Spirit of the Season”. This year is a little different, and although I’m adjusting to how it will be, I’m also missing how it usually is.

This Christmas will be spent in my homeland of Australia, and will be only the second one I’ve spent here in 35 years. I have been living in the U.S. since 1976. It isn’t only the difference in the weather (Christmas being in the Summer here), there’s just not as much made of it here, which I hadn’t remembered.

Of course I don’t know what it would be like in the city, but here in the small New South Wales South Coast town I’m staying in, there is no Christmas Tree downtown, no lights along the streets, no Christmas Carols playing in the stores. These are among the many things I love about Christmas.

Usually I would have a tree myself, set out my Christmas Village and other ornaments, and make my home a fairyland for a couple of weeks. It’s a really nice way to see out the old year, and welcome in the New Year. My family is not doing any of this, it’s not how they celebrate here.

So I’ve decided to make the most of things here. I will take Joy from being with my Mum, my Sister, my Daughter, my Nephew and his girlfriend. It will be wonderful for all of us to be together, and I will focus on that. For all the baubles (as much as I love them) are not nearly as important as being with people I love.

I hope you enjoy your journey toward Christmas, and that it’s everything you hope it will be. Just 13 days to go!

Thanks for listening.

Sandra L

Developing New Habits

Today I am writing simply to write. I thought I was inspired to write about my recent travels, but it seems I’m not. So I’m simply going to fulfill my committment today, and write.

I know I shouldn’t worry about how good it is yet – I’m just trying to create the habit of writing every day. Not very inspiring, I know🙂 Hopefully as time goes on I’ll become more drawn to my Blog, and gain more clarity on what I want to write about. I have so many ideas, yet I’m finding it difficult to get them to flow from mind to paper.

I do believe that talent is a muscle that requires a regular work out. For so long now I haven’t given any time to the practice, so I imagine it will take me awhile to get the words flowing freely. I’m in the process of developing several new habits including exercise. It’s not easy to get new things established as a routine that I enjoy, but I am making progress.

Beginning last week, Monday through Friday I’m walking by the river and stopping at my tree to meditate. Now for 14 days I’ll write here on my Blog even if it isn’t any good. I just have to stay focused on doing it in both cases, and trust it will all become easier and easier as I practice.

That’s it for today. No judgement here🙂

Thanks for listening.

Sandra L

Day 3 is the New Day 2 :)

So, yesterday I didn’t write. Today I thought, “so much for my 14 day committment!”, but what’s the point of giving myself a hard time over it. Today I simply decided to write again and not judge myself too harshly for my missed day yesterday.

I’m too used to making other people’s priorities my own. What better way to avoid what I need to be confronting in my life than putting the focus on “helping” someone else with theirs. It’s the sneakiest form of procrastination there is. “Oh….I would have written yesterday, but my daughter (my son, my friend, my whomever) needed my help”.

Basically letting myself down under the guise of being the proverbial “Good Samaritan”, allows me to feel good about myself while avoiding what needs to happen in my own life. Actually the best thing I can do for the other people in my life is get my own on track.

Doesn’t really matter how much I write, just that I do – at least for now. I’ve always found that the best way to create a new habit, is a little bit at a time. When it’s exercise I begin with 5 minutes on the treadmill. Little by little I build that up to 30 minutes. It might take a couple of weeks to get there, but get there I do.

For right now, it’s only important that I write. It doesn’t have to be long….it doesn’t have to be good….it just has to happen. One day at a time.

Thanks for listening.

Sandra L

“To Thine Own Self Be True” – Shakespeare

For such a long time I have thought of myself as a writer, even though not much has actually flowed from me in quite a while. I started this Blog so long ago, thinking it was time to focus on being True to who I believed I was. Yet I find myself doing anything at all to distract myself from writing. Even though today the temptation to update my “About Page” instead of writing was strong, I have resisted🙂

From time to time I decide that I’m just “pretending” to want to write – I really don’t want it – and I put it aside once more. Round and round I’ve gone over the course of years, always winding up back here….wanting to write.

So today I am making a committment to write every day for 14 days. I feel the resistance as I write those words, but I know I must begin somewhere if I am to live Shakespeare’s words, “To Thine Own Self Be True”. How can I be True to anyone, or anything, else in my life if I’m not being True to myself.

So today I take the first step toward realizing my True Passion. I do it fear and all, because the only thing worse than finding out I’m no good at this, is never knowing if I could be.

Thank you for listening. See you tomorrow.